i don't know how to feel anymore. i was doing very good at getting over him and moving on. but then he'll come to my work and we'll have a conversation. it doesn't even have to be a good conversation, but it feels so warming to actually be talking. i now realize that he is free to do whatever he pleases, as am i. but it bothers me so much. i don't think i love him anymore. i know what bad he has done. it just really hurts to think about what we used to have, and now its all gone. when i do remember how good it felt to be together, i get this beautiful feeling inside; almost like the feeling of when your singing and you hit that perfect note and its heaven to your ears. thats how my heart feels when i remember our relationship together. at the same time, it hurts so much.
deep down i know i will be okay. he was my first love, and these feelings are always going to be there. i am learning to not look so negatively at this breakup, and be happy for what we did have. we learned so much from eachother. and it is just going to ready us for our next relationships. i now know what to not look for. there was no trust in our relationship, and that is the most important thing.
i do remember how good it felt to fall in love with him though. probably one of the best feelings i have ever had. i do want this feeling again, and i really hope he's wrong when he told me i will never ever get it with anyone else. i want to fall in love again. i want to get the butterflies in my tummy, and the wonderful nervous but excited feeling. i want to feel the need to only be with that one person, and not even care about what else is happening in the universe.
i am so scared that i will not ever get these feelings again.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Based on everything i have witnessed in these past few months, it looks like it is going to be difficult in the future to find that "perfect guy". so many guys out there are only looking for a good time with girls, and only care about getting laid. if you have sex with them, it doesn't mean anything. in fact, they'll probably just pretend it never happened. or you'll be in a relationship with them; next thing you know, they go have sex with another girl. i am not saying girls are innocent in this situation, because they clearly are not. younger and younger generations of teenagers are losing their virginity. and i can honestly say that it disgusts me. whatever happened to waiting until marriage? or having self respect? now its, "oh yeaaah, i fucked that dude last night". girls are getting sluttier, and guys are turning into bigger pieces of shit. need to get laid? just go to your local bar. problem solved.
and with this world that we live in now, how is it ever going to be possible to actually find a decent person to be with for the rest of your life? the ones that aren't pigs, are douchebags that disrespect your parents. or try to control you.
i guess the only thing to say is that only time will tell. they will come along when the time is right. hopefully?
Monday, August 08, 2011
i know that not many people view my blogs, but i am okay with that. because from looking at my previous ones from years ago, i seem kind of fucked up. i honestly do not know what was going through my head. anyway, i am very different now! i do not obsess over my weight, or looking skinny. in fact, i love food! and i don't plan on ever starving myself to lose weight again. if i want to diet, i'll do it the proper way. by healthy food, and exersize (: